Perhaps it’s true that we all carry some degree of an invisible script of ‘shoulds’. These might be things that we picked up from our families, culture, friends, schools, work, or any of the many and various other things we belong to. These shoulds act as internal rules that shape how we live, lead and show up in life. They can become the hidden agenda by which we calibrate and tabulate how we are. They may sound like guidance, but more often, they act like chains, keeping us shackled, stuck and small.
When we live and lead from shoulds, we run the risk of disconnecting from ourselves and a true sense of meaning in our world. You might achieve, but you might also find that it feels empty. You might successfully please or satisfy others, but you might lose your own clarity in the process.
Are you growing and developing a business, because that’s what businesses are meant to do, instead of staying small and focussing on the simpler life your heart craves...
Perhaps you're working out to extremes because it doesn’t count if it doesn’t leave you sore, when all you really want is to move freely and unrestrictedly into our older age...
Maybe you're tolerating an unhappy situation because no-one rocks the boat when really you yearn for the peace of a deeper understanding and connection...
It’s easy to spot a should because it generally feels obligatory, loaded and uninspiring. It will likely drain your energy versus give it back to you, and you may even notice resentment creeping in. When you don’t do it, you may notice anxiety or guilt surface. It’s rooted in the fear of disapproval and disconnection versus a genuine desire stemming from your true self. Shoulds create pressure, not purpose. Living this way leads to burnout, not fulfilment.
Many of the shoulds we harbour amount to the limiting beliefs and thinking that keeps us stuck in circumstances and experiences that we do not desire or enjoy. We keep showing up to them, and over time we simply stop enquiring into what it is we need or want. As we silence our intuition and lose touch with our authentic desires, it becomes harder to hear our own voice. We become disconnected from our core. Furthermore, the shame and self-judgment that can be fuelled by living with shoulds can become the internal whips with which we judge and critique ourselves. Over time, we erode our self-trust and self-worth.
Consider this example:
Imagine someone who believes they should remain in the stable job they have even though they are miserable in it. That may well be a belief that keeps them stuck there for many years because stepping away would feel irresponsible and maybe even ungrateful. Yet all the while, underneath, their actual truth may be something like… I long to do meaningful work that energizes me.
Their truth can’t speak until the should is questioned.
Breaking Through the Should Belief - Replacing your Shoulds with Authenticity
- Catch the 'should' in real time – pause and name it.
By naming it you bring it forward into your awareness which is the first step to change.
- Enquire into where it came from – what is its’ source?
When you can understand the origin it helps you to separate inherited beliefs from your own truth.
- Challenge the 'should' truth.
By asking and answering if it’s aligned with your values and actually true for you, will help you to recognise if it’s just an unchecked rule at play.
- Replace the 'should' with an authentic want.
Shifting from obligation to intention helps to centre your internal wisdom and values alignment.
- Take One Aligned Action.
Reinforce your new belief by choosing a small, tangible step that honours your authentic choice and voice.
In summary…
Unlearning the shoulds is how you make room for the leader you were actually meant to be in your own life. Consider that authenticity isn’t a trait, but rather a choice - and a bold one at that. True freedom begins when you stop living by default and start living by design. Could now be the time to get started..?